Wednesday, 17 July 2013
PLANNING SOMETHING I DON"T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAN
WHY AM I ONE OF THE HOST PLANNING THIS!!! AHHHHH TRYING MY BEST TO NOT GET INTO ANY ARGUMENTS CAUSE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO ACTUALLY PLAN ONE!!!! AND EVERYONE IS WONDERING ABOUT STUFF I WRITE OMG..... HELP PLEASE!!!!!!! I MEAN, I WANT THIS TO BE BIG BUT I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE IS NEEDED FOR THIS BBQ PICNIC ASIDE FROM A BBQ GRILL & MEAT!!!!!. COME ON....... AND REALLY NOW. SOMEONE ASK IF THE EVENT IS ACTUALLY GOING ON AND I DO ALL THIS STUFF TO MAKE SURE IT HAPPENS THEN SHE SAID "LET ME KNOW THE FINAL DATE" DOESN'T THAT MEAN YOU WON'T HELP!!! HELLO!!!!!!! OMG WHY DID WE PLAN THIS EVENT IN THE FIRST PLACE. HOW COME WE DIDN'T CANCEL IT WHEN WE COULD!!!!!!!!!!! -FLIPS TABLE-
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Ontario Scholars
Congraduations to the
91 from Applewood Heights
228 from Cawthra Park
127 from Erindale
220 from Glenforest
143 from Gordon Graydon
213 from John Fraser
28 from Lincoln M. Alexander
158 from Lorne Park
154 from Meadowvale
177 from Mississauga
36 from Peel Alternative North
six from Peel Alternative South
eight from Peel Alternative West
144 from Port Credit
238 from Rick Hansen
173 from Stephen Lewis
92 from Streetsville
54 from T.L. Kennedy
25 from West Credit
and 169 from The Woodlands
who graduated as Ontario scholars (students who got above an 80% average) this year
(Read this on Mississauga News)
91 from Applewood Heights
228 from Cawthra Park
127 from Erindale
220 from Glenforest
143 from Gordon Graydon
213 from John Fraser
28 from Lincoln M. Alexander
158 from Lorne Park
154 from Meadowvale
177 from Mississauga
36 from Peel Alternative North
six from Peel Alternative South
eight from Peel Alternative West
144 from Port Credit
238 from Rick Hansen
173 from Stephen Lewis
92 from Streetsville
54 from T.L. Kennedy
25 from West Credit
and 169 from The Woodlands
who graduated as Ontario scholars (students who got above an 80% average) this year
(Read this on Mississauga News)
Monday, 8 July 2013
Friends (July 7th)
Yesterday, I attended an early birthday party of a friend. Actually, it didn't feel like a party, more like a hangout with cake, movie, canada-o-poly, and 7 friends. At first, it felt awkward to be around them again since school already ended 1 week ago and I haven't seen them since. As well as the fact that I had a slightly difficult week the week before. However, I'm better now thanks to two of my friends who helped me and tried cheering me up in their own different ways. ^_^However, I do hope that one of my friends who I plan to meet up and talk to this week is feeling better ; - ; He was really down last week and I wasn't able to talk to him. However, since he told me the reason why, I can understand why he wanted to be alone last week.
Back to topic, it was at first weird/awkward being around them but as the "party" progress and we got into canada-o-poly, I felt more free? (if that the word that could describe it) around my friends. I wonder if its just because I myself feel a freed from the situation I was in, or because I can be myself around them since I wrote some of them letters... I don't know......
Side note:
FINALLY GOT TO WATCH THE AVENGERS! It was a good movie to watch! Really liked it! For me, the best part was probably when the Hulk was playing around with Locke. There was also a lot of food there too... Some of us wished our friend who eats a lot was there for once, but sadly she is on a trip in Mexico.... She will be back soon though!
Back on topic... again.
For some reason, it never really hit me that this party might be the last time I'll see some of my friends again. It never really occurred to me, I just felt like we would still meet up even after we graduated. One of those friends being a very good friend of mines who I have known since grade 5. She is going to a university in Quebec, so I won't be able to see her till she comes back to visit D=. I hope she passes me her address, I want to be able to send her a Christmas gift! Same goes to my other two friends going to Waterloo.
Gifts:
That day was a fun day, got the birthday girl a USB which I know she will use for sure at Sheridan, (because her USBs now are 4/8GBS). Don't know... when I think of gifts, I think of gifts which the receiver would find very good use for in the future. Whether its a USB, a pouch for phone/ipod/DS/headphones/change, keychains, charms, books anything! The thing about gifts like chocolate, flower, sketchbooks, perfume, pens, anything that can be used within a short period of time I find that yes they are good gifts, but once it used it you can't use it again. However, gifts that can be reused can last for a long time and I guess will be cherished more? I don't know my mind of thinking was weird. That still doesn't stop the dream of getting a 3DS THOUGH, MUST GET ONE BEFORE OCTOBER!!!!
P.S. Something, I tried to keep track of during that party was how many times I said the words "I" & "me". Just as a reference.
Back to topic, it was at first weird/awkward being around them but as the "party" progress and we got into canada-o-poly, I felt more free? (if that the word that could describe it) around my friends. I wonder if its just because I myself feel a freed from the situation I was in, or because I can be myself around them since I wrote some of them letters... I don't know......
Side note:
FINALLY GOT TO WATCH THE AVENGERS! It was a good movie to watch! Really liked it! For me, the best part was probably when the Hulk was playing around with Locke. There was also a lot of food there too... Some of us wished our friend who eats a lot was there for once, but sadly she is on a trip in Mexico.... She will be back soon though!
Back on topic... again.
For some reason, it never really hit me that this party might be the last time I'll see some of my friends again. It never really occurred to me, I just felt like we would still meet up even after we graduated. One of those friends being a very good friend of mines who I have known since grade 5. She is going to a university in Quebec, so I won't be able to see her till she comes back to visit D=. I hope she passes me her address, I want to be able to send her a Christmas gift! Same goes to my other two friends going to Waterloo.
Gifts:
That day was a fun day, got the birthday girl a USB which I know she will use for sure at Sheridan, (because her USBs now are 4/8GBS). Don't know... when I think of gifts, I think of gifts which the receiver would find very good use for in the future. Whether its a USB, a pouch for phone/ipod/DS/headphones/change, keychains, charms, books anything! The thing about gifts like chocolate, flower, sketchbooks, perfume, pens, anything that can be used within a short period of time I find that yes they are good gifts, but once it used it you can't use it again. However, gifts that can be reused can last for a long time and I guess will be cherished more? I don't know my mind of thinking was weird. That still doesn't stop the dream of getting a 3DS THOUGH, MUST GET ONE BEFORE OCTOBER!!!!
P.S. Something, I tried to keep track of during that party was how many times I said the words "I" & "me". Just as a reference.
Cleaning Day 1
First day at cleaning up and organizing the computer table, my side of bedroom & guest/storage room. Started with the computer table... There were TOO MANY THINGS on that table! Started throwing things on the floor to organize them. I decided to change the water pearls that I used to plant a mini plant. Thought that 1/8 of a small bag would probably fill 1/2 of a fish paste container. I just left it there so that the pearls could expand. When I came back to look at them, the container was all full.... There were too many now!
So after cleaning up the computer table I moved everything that wasn't suppose to be on that table to my room. I stumbled upon a lot of really old work while I was cleaning up. Some dated back to grade 9, it was nostalgic to find some past works as I could see how I progressed over a series of 4 years. I also found some past class photos as well, one from grade 3 & 5. I never didn't think that some of my classmates that I had this year would have been in my class back 9 years ago. Some changed a lot while some looked like they didn't change much. Otherwise, I only got to cleaning up the bookshelf in my room. Started moving all the art supplies from my bedroom to the guest/storage room (soon to be work room in October) for next year I suppose. Will continue clean up tomorrow!
I also somehow developed an allergy? or something to dust, sneezed a lot while I was cleaning.
So after cleaning up the computer table I moved everything that wasn't suppose to be on that table to my room. I stumbled upon a lot of really old work while I was cleaning up. Some dated back to grade 9, it was nostalgic to find some past works as I could see how I progressed over a series of 4 years. I also found some past class photos as well, one from grade 3 & 5. I never didn't think that some of my classmates that I had this year would have been in my class back 9 years ago. Some changed a lot while some looked like they didn't change much. Otherwise, I only got to cleaning up the bookshelf in my room. Started moving all the art supplies from my bedroom to the guest/storage room (soon to be work room in October) for next year I suppose. Will continue clean up tomorrow!
I also somehow developed an allergy? or something to dust, sneezed a lot while I was cleaning.
Friday, 5 July 2013
Question about how to judge someone
Ok, I just realized something. Yes, you heard from a close friend of yours that I am attention hungry and you ask me whether its true or not. I will say yes, I am regardless on if its true or not based on what happened. If its in the letter, truth is when I wrote it I never meant it to be pure attention-seeking. However, I didn't seem to look at it that way till I was told that It was attention seeking. However, whether or not I am attention seeking it is up to the person asking. Your friend, yes they see me as attention seeking, however there are others who say it is not. I simply said yes because in that moment, whether I said yes or not it probably wouldn't have worked out in my favor. It is up to you to see me as attention seeking or not, you must observe it first-hand experience it before making that decision. To your friend, I am truly sorry again for what was in the previous letter. It wasn't something I should have given out and yet it was passed out and I really regret ever writing it.
Isolation
So.... isolation was something that I did back when I was young. It wasn't a bad thing, i just wanted to be alone. Before, it was because of a stupid reason like my friends didn't seem to care about me so I wasn't sure if they were my friends or no because they were able to play happily with the person who hurt me. It was for a selfish reason I know.
This time I'm isolation myself for a different reason? It know because I think that my friend didn't care about me its more on my attention hungry problem..... I don't usually take in compliments from people because I know I would get it in over my head.... This year it seemed I was more attention hungry near the end of the year which didn't go well with my friends. I guess i'm isolation myself to revert myself back i guess to the state where I was more independent on myself..? Yes, I know there are people who do care for me and would be there for me when I needed someone. However, I don't want to go to them so much that I end up depending on them and their attention to my problems. I mean, I can't always depend on other right? I need to depend on myself sometimes too.
Like I know my attention seeking grew because I did receive attention from people and I got that in over my head and I tried to ask for the same attention near the end of the year. However, I was stuck in the past and couldn't admit reality.
I asked for more attention that I could give to other people and that was a mistake.
This time I'm isolation myself for a different reason? It know because I think that my friend didn't care about me its more on my attention hungry problem..... I don't usually take in compliments from people because I know I would get it in over my head.... This year it seemed I was more attention hungry near the end of the year which didn't go well with my friends. I guess i'm isolation myself to revert myself back i guess to the state where I was more independent on myself..? Yes, I know there are people who do care for me and would be there for me when I needed someone. However, I don't want to go to them so much that I end up depending on them and their attention to my problems. I mean, I can't always depend on other right? I need to depend on myself sometimes too.
Like I know my attention seeking grew because I did receive attention from people and I got that in over my head and I tried to ask for the same attention near the end of the year. However, I was stuck in the past and couldn't admit reality.
I asked for more attention that I could give to other people and that was a mistake.
Thursday, 4 July 2013
Answer to question
I got asked a question and I don't think I answered it truly until I came up with this answer. The question was how come I don't lock everything inside of myself and rarely show emotion.
The answer to that I can't of anything else except that its because I'm a visual artist. Like yourself who pours all your emotions into ever song you play, I pour my emotions into the artworks I create. However, to be an artist what I have seen in common with my fellow artist are that they are expressive as a person. As an artist like myself if I was t as expressive as I was I would be able to creat the artworks that I make. What I create reflection the emotions that I stumble upon and that's the emotion I pour into my artworks. If I locked everything inside of me, I don't think I would be able to create the artworks I would have created.
I am very thankful that there is someone like you who I can talk to, however like I mentioned I think it's best if I am left alone for a while.
It's already too late for this. Final letter
First of all, I sincerely want to apologize to you. What I wrote in that letter I admit it was pure attention seeking. I realized that the feelings I poured into that letter were the memories I had when you did give me a lot of attention. I was stuck in the past and couldn't face reality. It's not something I should have written but it was written and you read it. You probably won't accept my apology and that fine, I kinda figured you would hate me after reading something which was made up of my selfish self. I want to be able to write one final letter though. I will try my absolute best to not put any attention seeking into it.
Dear -------,
You are a great guy you know. Yes, you are blunt sometimes but being blunt doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It gets people to realize their mistakes and they can change themselves for the better. You are also very hardworking as well, you would always clean up the music room after school by yourself even if the teacher said that the class should help ( which they didn't at all). Even though it took time you made sure that everything was put back in order for the next day. The music teachers are really lucky that there is someone as hard working as you in the music program and they are glad you signed up for both music courses as well for next year. Library wise, you are helpful for the library, even though your shift are done and someone else is there, you would still stick around and help out in anything that needs to be done around the library. Last would be anime club? You sure watched a lot of animes that is for sure. I wish you the very best in grade 12 and again I am truly sorry that you read that horrible ridiculous 1st letter I wrote to you. I should have never decided to give you that is the first place but I did and I am sorry that you had to read that part of my mind. Getting to know you has helped me realize just how attention seeking I can really get and that is something that I need to change. As I mentioned to a friend that is suppose to pass along the message. You will hopefully never hear from me again, you won't hear my annoying cat noise, nor will you ever see my attention seeking self again. I know this letter is probably too late but like I said many times. I am sincerely sorry and I will be forever sorry that you got involved in my selfish self.
Sincerely,
Jessica Lui
Dear -------,
You are a great guy you know. Yes, you are blunt sometimes but being blunt doesn't always have to be a bad thing. It gets people to realize their mistakes and they can change themselves for the better. You are also very hardworking as well, you would always clean up the music room after school by yourself even if the teacher said that the class should help ( which they didn't at all). Even though it took time you made sure that everything was put back in order for the next day. The music teachers are really lucky that there is someone as hard working as you in the music program and they are glad you signed up for both music courses as well for next year. Library wise, you are helpful for the library, even though your shift are done and someone else is there, you would still stick around and help out in anything that needs to be done around the library. Last would be anime club? You sure watched a lot of animes that is for sure. I wish you the very best in grade 12 and again I am truly sorry that you read that horrible ridiculous 1st letter I wrote to you. I should have never decided to give you that is the first place but I did and I am sorry that you had to read that part of my mind. Getting to know you has helped me realize just how attention seeking I can really get and that is something that I need to change. As I mentioned to a friend that is suppose to pass along the message. You will hopefully never hear from me again, you won't hear my annoying cat noise, nor will you ever see my attention seeking self again. I know this letter is probably too late but like I said many times. I am sincerely sorry and I will be forever sorry that you got involved in my selfish self.
Sincerely,
Jessica Lui
Expressing (Crying my heart out = no)
Another what people will see as attention seeking, Very Sorry.
Not sure if this is correct in my mind... but for some reason I can't fully cry my heart out, even though I really do want to cry really bad I can't.
1. I don't want my family to worry
2. I don't want my friend to hurt another friend
3. Its attention seeking isn't it?
I cried a lot in the past I guess because I got hit by my tutor when i was small, I went sent to the hall for being too curious and being a trouble maker. I was a crybaby...... I don't know when it started, but at one point someone told me to spot crying at every little thing that upsets me. So I stopped, and only cried (fully) during those times when I kept everything bottled up and it got so full, I just couldn't help it but cry. I would cry and I wouldn't be able to explain the reason I was crying because they were already in the past and I probably would be told to forget about it cause its all in the past. But I can't, I can't seem to forget the bad things that happen to me that makes me upset. So after that I just stopped crying my heart out because there would be no point if what I cried about was in the past... However, when I cry I stop myself from crying everything out because it would just be a bother to people right?
Not sure if this is correct in my mind... but for some reason I can't fully cry my heart out, even though I really do want to cry really bad I can't.
1. I don't want my family to worry
2. I don't want my friend to hurt another friend
3. Its attention seeking isn't it?
I cried a lot in the past I guess because I got hit by my tutor when i was small, I went sent to the hall for being too curious and being a trouble maker. I was a crybaby...... I don't know when it started, but at one point someone told me to spot crying at every little thing that upsets me. So I stopped, and only cried (fully) during those times when I kept everything bottled up and it got so full, I just couldn't help it but cry. I would cry and I wouldn't be able to explain the reason I was crying because they were already in the past and I probably would be told to forget about it cause its all in the past. But I can't, I can't seem to forget the bad things that happen to me that makes me upset. So after that I just stopped crying my heart out because there would be no point if what I cried about was in the past... However, when I cry I stop myself from crying everything out because it would just be a bother to people right?
Attention Seeking
Ok... So this is probably attention seeking already (mistake 1) . Mistake 2: my 3rd time being told that I'm attention seeking so I think I'll just reflect back it for a while and retrace my steps. (if I sent you thing, I am very sorry,
you honestly don't have to read it...... And I am very sorry if this
ticks anyone off.).
P.S Whoever reads this, I promise you it will get you mad but where else can I express myself freely without stopping, I'll just blow off the rest of the "attention seeking" trait I have left within me in this.
I have met many friends over the past year, someone who are attention seeking themselves so I don't know if being friends with them was a factor. But I guess it may have been... But I guess its because I see that they are attention seeking and they DO in the end receive the attention they want even though I try not to but for some reason I end up being the one who is the one wanting attention but getting the wrong sort of attention.
First friend, is a close friend? of mine who is really lazy and rarely does her homework till the last minute. At first, I would give her my attention and keep consistently reminding her of assignments that are due so that she would be able to hand it in on time. Halfway through the year, I guess I did sort of give up reminding her of things because I knew that she would hand in homework late anyways but still get a good mark. I guess I wouldn't say I got influenced by her but maybe I did? But what I got from her was the mind saying that I should remind people of their homework if it affects me as well (yearbook). I don't know... I wouldn't say I am jealous at her because of the attention she is able to get because of the way she is, but...... Ok, yes I am jealous at her because she is able to get the attention she wants just by consistently complaining about things or like screaming about something on facebook and she is able to get attention from friends she knows and friends who I know as well.
Second friend, she is in my class.... she is.... very... touchy with people.... but she is always able to get a response from the person who she wants it from. She could be able to cling onto someone and they would give her their attention, whether its for a hug, pet, tickle anything she is able to get it. I am really amazed that she is able to get the attention she wants without anyone telling her to stop. Like I mean, she can just walk into some group's practice, disturb the group AND get attention from the person she wants it from. Its something I have rarely see happen. I am jealous of the fact that she can get attention without being told stop or anything.
Third friend, he is very.... sensitive to comments from people, he is better now because he is in a group who (wants him in his group?) now. Ok before, he was attention seeking trying to get things his way and ignoring others, or complaining but he got better. I'm not particularly jealous of him, but I guess its because he and I are attention seekers that I would still talk to him even if people don't like him.
Last person would probably be the person who I seemed to have wanted attention from for a while. I was stuck in the past, in the past I would get attention from you a lot and I admit I did like it. However, Its gone now so I know I won't be receiving any attention from you anymore. I'm very sorry that I mad you so angry.
I guess I should talk about why I became attention seeking then shouldn't I?.
Ok, I wanted to leave an impression in school. whether it was in clubs, sports, or my friends I wanted to leave some sort of impression on them. It felt like the only impression I made before this year was the fact that I was small and people didn't know I was graduating this year and say "oh, your in grade 12?!? really?!?!" I wanted at least people to know that I was graduating and that since I've been at school for 4 years, I could give them advice on high school or anything they may find hard and don't know who to ask. I guess my height did give me an advantage because I seemed approachable and people did talk to me and ask me about question about courses, events because its their 1st time experiencing it. I wanted to share my knowledge I guess to people so that they would know what to expect/do. That's why I tried my hardest in my clubs/sports so that they would see me as a friend & a senior, instead of a little girl who look like a grade 9. At the end of the year, it did feel like I was able to graduate while leaving an impression on people. Like how my seniors knowing that their juniors would be able to talk to them even after they graduate.
PAST
I was spoiled by attention in the past, yes. Because I was called small, cute I got attention from my group of friends and they would know when I am upset, happy. There was the time where I did isolate myself because of a bad relationship and no one seemed to care about how I was, and would happily be playing with the person who hurt me. (Ok, so Its my fault because I didn't open myself about it). But I thought that if they knew that I was sad before they would know when I am sad. However, I learned that that wasn't the case, and that if I wanted to let someone know how I was feeling I should open up to them instead of locking all those feelings instead of burdening myself.
I suppose this was the start of the cat noises.... yes I admit I used them sometimes to get attention from people, but other times I use them when I see someone who is down and I wanted to know what was wrong so that I could possibly help them. However, it seemed I have overused it for the worse this year. I guess the way I act is the same..... yes some of my actions I used to get attention because I didn't want to openly look like I wanted attention and be hated upon. However, it seemed like this backfired too, I silently acted to see if I would get attention but that didn't turn out right either. So I sort of tried semi-looking like I wanted attention and fair enough karma strikes and people told me that I was looking for attention and that I should stop.
But, I try to give people my attention as well, I talked to people whenever I can and if I can get them to smile I would do anything to make them happy, even just popping up and talking to them. If it makes them happy, i'll be glad to do it. I guess I did feed some attention seekers my attention too for example the 3 friends I mentioned on top. I just thought that If I gave them attention, they will be happy and they would talk to me. However that wasn't the case.
Ok, so now whoever reads this may wonder why I don't just don't stop looking for attention and keep everything to myself until a certain someone comes that I would be able to talk to about everything. Ok, yes I could do this, however that someone will not always be there. They have other friends too who they hang out with. They can't be there for you 24/7 because they have their own friends they probably would want to hang out with or something they want to talk about as well. I can't seem to rely on one person because I know they won't be there forever, so maybe I should open up to others as well or just isolate myself.
I went along the path of opening up to others. I wanted people who I could talk to and who I could trust, so I opened up to people and they opened up to me. Here is the thing.... yes, I have more people who I talk to now. However there are some people who I see want attention from me which I give them and then when I talk about myself, they would direct the conversation back to them. Somewhere along the lines, I ended up being the one who wanted more attention.
I guess if opening up to people will only get me to want more attention, acting "cute", complaining, silently waiting on attention, openly looking like I was attention are all mistakes. Then I guess I should isolate myself and go back to square one. I'll try my best, but after years of a lot of attention from people... Its really hard to but if it would make people happy, I guess I'll do it...
I will continue to give people my attention and if they ask about me I would talk to them about myself. But I don't want to direct the attention on me if it will make people hate me.
Honestly though
What I'm jealous of the most is the fact that there are people on facebook/twitter & by their actions who are able to freely express themselves and people would give them the attention they want. Where as, I make an attempt to express myself, whether it posting my timetable on facebook, talking about the past which others can relate to. However, in the end I'm told I am an attention seeker and I go back to commenting on other people's statuses and giving them my attention knowing that if I were to freely express myself, I wouldn't get the same attention.
I know that by writing this, I'm pointing myself as an attention seeker but I just wanted to express whatever is on my mind without interruptions. In my mind, a conversation is exchanging information between two parties, however is one person is the one providing information more than the other. Then it turns out that person is an attention seeker. I pasted that point within the past year and I am truly sorry if I made it so that I was the only one talking the most.
Its really hard for me to not have a conversation without directing the spotlight on me, but I can try... after I isolate myself. Ironically, I did this back before when I realize that yes there are friends who do care about me, but they can't be there forever, they have their own lives and friends who they want to spend time with. So I should depend on myself rather than others if I end up wanting to get their attention.
Conclusion I was really happy to know that I was of some help at least to my juniors, but I guess that's the end of that. I don't want to get their attention if its just me wanting them to talk to me after I graduate. I can't be like my senior who has a junior always talking to them exchanging information because I probably would in the end direct the attention to myself. So, I guess I'll save them from that. My teacher said I was a leader this year, but I guess I got that too over my head and ended up wanting more attention. In the end, it didn't turn out that well.
Its ironic really, I can't really do anything on anything "social" now because I'm worried that I would be called an attention seeker again. Even this post itself, I know its me being attention seeking, but what can I do? Where can I express myself freely without being told that I am an attention seeker? Friend? I'm scared that they would get bored of me talking if it ends up with me wanting the attention rather then equally giving them attention.
I am really really sorry if I made anyone mad/angry because of this post, even this post itself is attention seeking I know. I am very sorry, I just.. wanted.. to express what is going on in my mind? Can't I do that at least? I'm not asking anyone to read it. I just posted it, I'm not asking anyone to read it.
I am very... negative at times when it comes to this topic. If someone were to say I am attention seeking I would say I am regardless on whether or not I really did do something for the attention. I think I just trust people too much maybe sometimes and that is why whatever they say about me I would think its true (when its negative) anyways. If they say I am an attention seeking too much I would agree and I would blame myself for it, regardless on whether or not I actually did do something just for the attention. I guess I don't want to say the person telling me I am attention seeking is wrong because if I were too.. then I am already seeking attention by denying it. So I'll just accept it and say its my fault and hopefully drop the matter before it gets any worse and I actually seem to be wanting attention. However, now it seems that everything I do I am doing it for attention. Expressing myself here, walking to pick up my brother, talking to a friend about meeting up everything seems to me like I am the one asking for attention.
P.S Whoever reads this, I promise you it will get you mad but where else can I express myself freely without stopping, I'll just blow off the rest of the "attention seeking" trait I have left within me in this.
I have met many friends over the past year, someone who are attention seeking themselves so I don't know if being friends with them was a factor. But I guess it may have been... But I guess its because I see that they are attention seeking and they DO in the end receive the attention they want even though I try not to but for some reason I end up being the one who is the one wanting attention but getting the wrong sort of attention.
First friend, is a close friend? of mine who is really lazy and rarely does her homework till the last minute. At first, I would give her my attention and keep consistently reminding her of assignments that are due so that she would be able to hand it in on time. Halfway through the year, I guess I did sort of give up reminding her of things because I knew that she would hand in homework late anyways but still get a good mark. I guess I wouldn't say I got influenced by her but maybe I did? But what I got from her was the mind saying that I should remind people of their homework if it affects me as well (yearbook). I don't know... I wouldn't say I am jealous at her because of the attention she is able to get because of the way she is, but...... Ok, yes I am jealous at her because she is able to get the attention she wants just by consistently complaining about things or like screaming about something on facebook and she is able to get attention from friends she knows and friends who I know as well.
Second friend, she is in my class.... she is.... very... touchy with people.... but she is always able to get a response from the person who she wants it from. She could be able to cling onto someone and they would give her their attention, whether its for a hug, pet, tickle anything she is able to get it. I am really amazed that she is able to get the attention she wants without anyone telling her to stop. Like I mean, she can just walk into some group's practice, disturb the group AND get attention from the person she wants it from. Its something I have rarely see happen. I am jealous of the fact that she can get attention without being told stop or anything.
Third friend, he is very.... sensitive to comments from people, he is better now because he is in a group who (wants him in his group?) now. Ok before, he was attention seeking trying to get things his way and ignoring others, or complaining but he got better. I'm not particularly jealous of him, but I guess its because he and I are attention seekers that I would still talk to him even if people don't like him.
Last person would probably be the person who I seemed to have wanted attention from for a while. I was stuck in the past, in the past I would get attention from you a lot and I admit I did like it. However, Its gone now so I know I won't be receiving any attention from you anymore. I'm very sorry that I mad you so angry.
I guess I should talk about why I became attention seeking then shouldn't I?.
Ok, I wanted to leave an impression in school. whether it was in clubs, sports, or my friends I wanted to leave some sort of impression on them. It felt like the only impression I made before this year was the fact that I was small and people didn't know I was graduating this year and say "oh, your in grade 12?!? really?!?!" I wanted at least people to know that I was graduating and that since I've been at school for 4 years, I could give them advice on high school or anything they may find hard and don't know who to ask. I guess my height did give me an advantage because I seemed approachable and people did talk to me and ask me about question about courses, events because its their 1st time experiencing it. I wanted to share my knowledge I guess to people so that they would know what to expect/do. That's why I tried my hardest in my clubs/sports so that they would see me as a friend & a senior, instead of a little girl who look like a grade 9. At the end of the year, it did feel like I was able to graduate while leaving an impression on people. Like how my seniors knowing that their juniors would be able to talk to them even after they graduate.
PAST
I was spoiled by attention in the past, yes. Because I was called small, cute I got attention from my group of friends and they would know when I am upset, happy. There was the time where I did isolate myself because of a bad relationship and no one seemed to care about how I was, and would happily be playing with the person who hurt me. (Ok, so Its my fault because I didn't open myself about it). But I thought that if they knew that I was sad before they would know when I am sad. However, I learned that that wasn't the case, and that if I wanted to let someone know how I was feeling I should open up to them instead of locking all those feelings instead of burdening myself.
I suppose this was the start of the cat noises.... yes I admit I used them sometimes to get attention from people, but other times I use them when I see someone who is down and I wanted to know what was wrong so that I could possibly help them. However, it seemed I have overused it for the worse this year. I guess the way I act is the same..... yes some of my actions I used to get attention because I didn't want to openly look like I wanted attention and be hated upon. However, it seemed like this backfired too, I silently acted to see if I would get attention but that didn't turn out right either. So I sort of tried semi-looking like I wanted attention and fair enough karma strikes and people told me that I was looking for attention and that I should stop.
But, I try to give people my attention as well, I talked to people whenever I can and if I can get them to smile I would do anything to make them happy, even just popping up and talking to them. If it makes them happy, i'll be glad to do it. I guess I did feed some attention seekers my attention too for example the 3 friends I mentioned on top. I just thought that If I gave them attention, they will be happy and they would talk to me. However that wasn't the case.
Ok, so now whoever reads this may wonder why I don't just don't stop looking for attention and keep everything to myself until a certain someone comes that I would be able to talk to about everything. Ok, yes I could do this, however that someone will not always be there. They have other friends too who they hang out with. They can't be there for you 24/7 because they have their own friends they probably would want to hang out with or something they want to talk about as well. I can't seem to rely on one person because I know they won't be there forever, so maybe I should open up to others as well or just isolate myself.
I went along the path of opening up to others. I wanted people who I could talk to and who I could trust, so I opened up to people and they opened up to me. Here is the thing.... yes, I have more people who I talk to now. However there are some people who I see want attention from me which I give them and then when I talk about myself, they would direct the conversation back to them. Somewhere along the lines, I ended up being the one who wanted more attention.
I guess if opening up to people will only get me to want more attention, acting "cute", complaining, silently waiting on attention, openly looking like I was attention are all mistakes. Then I guess I should isolate myself and go back to square one. I'll try my best, but after years of a lot of attention from people... Its really hard to but if it would make people happy, I guess I'll do it...
I will continue to give people my attention and if they ask about me I would talk to them about myself. But I don't want to direct the attention on me if it will make people hate me.
Honestly though
What I'm jealous of the most is the fact that there are people on facebook/twitter & by their actions who are able to freely express themselves and people would give them the attention they want. Where as, I make an attempt to express myself, whether it posting my timetable on facebook, talking about the past which others can relate to. However, in the end I'm told I am an attention seeker and I go back to commenting on other people's statuses and giving them my attention knowing that if I were to freely express myself, I wouldn't get the same attention.
I know that by writing this, I'm pointing myself as an attention seeker but I just wanted to express whatever is on my mind without interruptions. In my mind, a conversation is exchanging information between two parties, however is one person is the one providing information more than the other. Then it turns out that person is an attention seeker. I pasted that point within the past year and I am truly sorry if I made it so that I was the only one talking the most.
Its really hard for me to not have a conversation without directing the spotlight on me, but I can try... after I isolate myself. Ironically, I did this back before when I realize that yes there are friends who do care about me, but they can't be there forever, they have their own lives and friends who they want to spend time with. So I should depend on myself rather than others if I end up wanting to get their attention.
Conclusion I was really happy to know that I was of some help at least to my juniors, but I guess that's the end of that. I don't want to get their attention if its just me wanting them to talk to me after I graduate. I can't be like my senior who has a junior always talking to them exchanging information because I probably would in the end direct the attention to myself. So, I guess I'll save them from that. My teacher said I was a leader this year, but I guess I got that too over my head and ended up wanting more attention. In the end, it didn't turn out that well.
Its ironic really, I can't really do anything on anything "social" now because I'm worried that I would be called an attention seeker again. Even this post itself, I know its me being attention seeking, but what can I do? Where can I express myself freely without being told that I am an attention seeker? Friend? I'm scared that they would get bored of me talking if it ends up with me wanting the attention rather then equally giving them attention.
I am really really sorry if I made anyone mad/angry because of this post, even this post itself is attention seeking I know. I am very sorry, I just.. wanted.. to express what is going on in my mind? Can't I do that at least? I'm not asking anyone to read it. I just posted it, I'm not asking anyone to read it.
I am very... negative at times when it comes to this topic. If someone were to say I am attention seeking I would say I am regardless on whether or not I really did do something for the attention. I think I just trust people too much maybe sometimes and that is why whatever they say about me I would think its true (when its negative) anyways. If they say I am an attention seeking too much I would agree and I would blame myself for it, regardless on whether or not I actually did do something just for the attention. I guess I don't want to say the person telling me I am attention seeking is wrong because if I were too.. then I am already seeking attention by denying it. So I'll just accept it and say its my fault and hopefully drop the matter before it gets any worse and I actually seem to be wanting attention. However, now it seems that everything I do I am doing it for attention. Expressing myself here, walking to pick up my brother, talking to a friend about meeting up everything seems to me like I am the one asking for attention.
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