Attention Seeking

Ok... So this is probably attention seeking already (mistake 1) . Mistake 2: my 3rd time being told that I'm attention seeking so I think I'll just reflect back it for a while and retrace my steps. (if I sent you thing, I am very sorry, you honestly don't have to read it...... And I am very sorry if this ticks anyone off.). 

P.S Whoever reads this, I promise you it will get you mad but where else can I express myself freely without stopping, I'll just blow off the rest of the "attention seeking" trait I have left within me in this.

I have met many friends over the past year, someone who are attention seeking themselves so I don't know if being friends with them was a factor. But I guess it may have been... But I guess its because I see that they are attention seeking and they DO in the end receive the attention they want even though I try not to but for some reason I end up being the one who is the one wanting attention but getting the wrong sort of attention.

First friend, is a close friend? of mine who is really lazy and rarely does her homework till the last minute. At first, I would give her my attention and keep consistently reminding her of assignments that are due so that she would be able to hand it in on time. Halfway through the year, I guess I did sort of give up reminding her of things because I knew that she would hand in homework late anyways but still get a good mark. I guess I wouldn't say I got influenced by her but maybe I did? But what I got from her was the mind saying that I should remind people of their homework if it affects me as well (yearbook). I don't know... I wouldn't say I am jealous at her because of the attention she is able to get because of the way she is, but...... Ok, yes I am jealous at her because she is able to get the attention she wants just by consistently complaining about things or like screaming about something on facebook and she is able to get attention from friends she knows and friends who I know as well.

Second friend, she is in my class.... she is.... very... touchy with people.... but she is always able to get a response from the person who she wants it from. She could be able to cling onto someone and they would give her their attention, whether its for a hug, pet, tickle anything she is able to get it. I am really amazed that she is able to get the attention she wants without anyone telling her to stop. Like I mean, she can just walk into some group's practice, disturb the group AND get attention from the person she wants it from. Its something I have rarely see happen. I am jealous of the fact that she can get attention without being told stop or anything.

Third friend, he is very.... sensitive to comments from people, he is better now because he is in a group who (wants him in his group?) now. Ok before, he was attention seeking trying to get things his way and ignoring others, or complaining but he got better. I'm not particularly jealous of him, but I guess its because he and I are attention seekers that I would still talk to him even if people don't like him.

Last person would probably be the person who I seemed to have wanted attention from for a while. I was stuck in the past, in the past I would get attention from you a lot and I admit I did like it. However, Its gone now so I know I won't be receiving any attention from you anymore. I'm very sorry that I mad you so angry.

I guess I should talk about why I became attention seeking then shouldn't I?.

Ok, I wanted to leave an impression in school. whether it was in clubs, sports, or my friends I wanted to leave some sort of impression on them. It felt like the only impression I made before this year was the fact that I was small and people didn't know I was graduating this year and say "oh, your in grade 12?!? really?!?!" I wanted at least people to know that I was graduating and that since I've been at school for 4 years, I could give them advice on high school or anything they may find hard and don't know who to ask. I guess my height did give me an advantage because I seemed approachable and people did talk to me and ask me about question about courses, events because its their 1st time experiencing it. I wanted to share my knowledge I guess to people so that they would know what to expect/do. That's why I tried my hardest in my clubs/sports so that they would see me as a friend & a senior, instead of a little girl who look like a grade 9. At the end of the year, it did feel like I was able to graduate while leaving an impression on people. Like how my seniors knowing that their juniors would be able to talk to them even after they graduate.

PAST
I was spoiled by attention in the past, yes. Because I was called small, cute I got attention from my group of friends and they would know when I am upset, happy. There was the time where I did isolate myself because of a bad relationship and no one seemed to care about how I was, and would happily be playing with the person who hurt me. (Ok, so Its my fault because I didn't open myself about it). But I thought that if they knew that I was sad before they would know when I am sad. However, I learned that that wasn't the case, and that if I wanted to let someone know how I was feeling I should open up to them instead of locking all those feelings instead of burdening myself.

I suppose this was the start of the cat noises.... yes I admit I used them sometimes to get attention from people, but other times I use them when I see someone who is down and I wanted to know what was wrong so that I could possibly help them. However, it seemed I have overused it for the worse this year. I guess the way I act is the same..... yes some of my actions I used to get attention because I didn't want to openly look like I wanted attention and be hated upon. However, it seemed like this backfired too, I silently acted to see if I would get attention but that didn't turn out right either. So I sort of tried semi-looking like I wanted attention and fair enough karma strikes and people told me that I was looking for attention and that I should stop.

But, I try to give people my attention as well, I talked to people whenever I can and if I can get them to smile I would do anything to make them happy, even just popping up and talking to them. If it makes them happy, i'll be glad to do it. I guess I did feed some attention seekers my attention too for example the 3 friends I mentioned on top. I just thought that If I gave them attention, they will be happy and they would talk to me. However that wasn't the case.

Ok, so now whoever reads this may wonder why I don't just don't stop looking for attention and keep everything to myself until a certain someone comes that I would be able to talk to about everything. Ok, yes I could do this, however that someone will not always be there. They have other friends too who they hang out with. They can't be there for you 24/7 because they have their own friends they probably would want to hang out with or something they want to talk about as well. I can't seem to rely on one person because I know they won't be there forever, so maybe I should open up to others as well or just isolate myself.

I went along the path of opening up to others. I wanted people who I could talk to and who I could trust, so I opened up to people and they opened up to me. Here is the thing.... yes, I have more people who I talk to now. However there are some people who I see want attention from me which I give them and then when I talk about myself, they would direct the conversation back to them. Somewhere along the lines, I ended up being the one who wanted more attention.

I guess if opening up to people will only get me to want more attention, acting "cute", complaining, silently waiting on attention, openly looking like I was attention are all mistakes. Then I guess I should isolate myself and go back to square one. I'll try my best, but after years of a lot of attention from people... Its really hard to but if it would make people happy, I guess I'll do it...

I will continue to give people my attention and if they ask about me I would talk to them about myself. But I don't want to direct the attention on me if it will make people hate me.

Honestly though

What I'm jealous of the most is the fact that there are people on facebook/twitter & by their actions who are able to freely express themselves and people would give them the attention they want. Where as, I make an attempt to express myself, whether it posting my timetable on facebook, talking about the past which others can relate to. However, in the end I'm told I am an attention seeker and I go back to commenting on other people's statuses and giving them my attention knowing that if I were to freely express myself, I wouldn't get the same attention.

I know that by writing this, I'm pointing myself as an attention seeker but I just wanted to express whatever is on my mind without interruptions. In my mind, a conversation is exchanging information between two parties, however is one person is the one providing information more than the other. Then it turns out that person is an attention seeker. I pasted that point within the past year and I am truly sorry if I made it so that I was the only one talking the most.

Its really hard for me to not have a conversation without directing the spotlight on me, but I can try... after I isolate myself. Ironically, I did this back before when I realize that yes there are friends who do care about me, but they can't be there forever, they have their own lives and friends who they want to spend time with. So I should depend on myself rather than others if I end up wanting to get their attention.

Conclusion I was really happy to know that I was of some help at least to my juniors, but I guess that's the end of that. I don't want to get their attention if its just me wanting them to talk to me after I graduate. I can't be like my senior who has a junior always talking to them exchanging information because I probably would in the end direct the attention to myself. So, I guess I'll save them from that. My teacher said I was a leader this year, but I guess I got that too over my head and ended up wanting more attention. In the end, it didn't turn out that well.

Its ironic really, I can't really do anything on anything "social" now because I'm worried that I would be called an attention seeker again. Even this post itself, I know its me being attention seeking, but what can I do? Where can I express myself freely without being told that I am an attention seeker? Friend? I'm scared that they would get bored of me talking if it ends up with me wanting the attention rather then equally giving them attention.

I am really really sorry if I made anyone mad/angry because of this post, even this post itself is attention seeking I know. I am very sorry, I just.. wanted.. to express what is going on in my mind? Can't I do that at least? I'm not asking anyone to read it. I just posted it, I'm not asking anyone to read it.

I am very... negative at times when it comes to this topic. If someone were to say I am attention seeking I would say I am regardless on whether or not I really did do something for the attention. I think I just trust people too much maybe sometimes and that is why whatever they say about me I would think its true (when its negative) anyways. If they say I am an attention seeking too much I would agree and I would blame myself for it, regardless on whether or not I actually did do something just for the attention. I guess I don't want to say the person telling me I am attention seeking is wrong because if I were too.. then I am already seeking attention by denying it. So I'll just accept it and say its my fault and hopefully drop the matter before it gets any worse and I actually seem to be wanting attention. However, now it seems that everything I do I am doing it for attention. Expressing myself here, walking to pick up my brother, talking to a friend about meeting up everything seems to me like I am the one asking for attention.